Meeting my inner child

In March 2009 I participated in a special seminar. It's called BreakThrough and was developed by Esther Veltheim, co-founder of the Reiki Network. BreakThrough is an inside job that is, learning to understand the nature of our defenses and the control they have over lives. BreakThrough »breaks through« the defensive, unconscious and over-reactive patterns, the masks and sabotage programs the participant is willing (has the courage) to penetrate, to live a freer life, more authentic, with less conditioning, with more attention to his own personal needs, with fewer over-reactions. Unconsciously we are already doing it, when we practice Reiki Self Treatments, but such a step-by-step process that reveals the nature of our conflict in a conscious way, can be helpful.

In 7 steps (or 7 questions) the participants is guided through a situation, in which he experienced an over-reaction. Ultimately this process was very liberating experience for me, which gave deep insights into repressed emotions and a poor self-image.

Much empathy is required from the tutor to be able to listen to the answers to the 7 questions from inside, raise doubts in case, then being full of compassion he can really make the participant to remove his own mask, to uncover what is underneath. Such guide is like a true friend, someone who would also give a contra, instead of always reconfirming a reactive and destructive image, the typical behavior of false friends. Finally this inner journey is toward reclaiming what is most natural to each and every one of us - the experience of wholeness. Consciously, we begin to integrate a more holistic view of self-awareness and begin to perceive and experience life differently.

Linda's compassion and also seeing her tears running down when working me through my 7 steps was very touching. I sat in front of 40 other participants, and I went through a lot of defense mechanisms, until I finally had this big »A-Ha«

My story was that of a perceived betrayal or abuse by a person I had admired, but as so often the outside experience reflects what is going on inside. Only I had covered it up so brilliantly in all of my life that I would have never seen it, despite all knowledge of theory.

It felt hard to question what I was thinking of myself deep inside. Until suddenly I could discover rage at myself. I realized that I saw myself as a wild and dangerous person, consequently I only deserved to be cheated or betrayed.

There was a moment in those steps when I imagined meeting little Axel, the 4 year old boy, so sweet, open, forgiving - and overwhelming to see how despite all this suffering he stretches his little hand towards the elder Axel, as if no hurting from all this inner belief systems would have ever happened. With such a smile just to say »Welcome back«, I have been waiting for you. This little Axel is so pure, just admirable and overwhelming. With thankfulness, pride and joy I grab his little hand and then we both walk together a road he is choosing. Little Axel seems so much faster being able to forgive, and this is without any condition, it is so touching to see! How much could I have lost contact with my true self?

I felt peace.

Of course in my head I know there cannot be any forgiveness because there is no one to blame, not even myself, but from observing this gesture of forgiveness I now realize this is also true for my inner self.

Over many years I took gods as example of how I wanted to be. And it seems I wanted to be as far as possible from my human nature. Since Reiki 2 and Mental Training I took journeys to »My true master«, which means connecting with the essence of first Medicine Buddha and later Jesus. Interestingly I never wanted to write a specific name on this label describing that essence; I intuited it could be wrong.

The evening after this experience, just after coming from the session I sat down and I realized I wanted to connect with my inner child instead, and so I did. I took the bunch of papers - the protocol from my 7 steps and my nameplate - and I did the Reiki 2 technique. Being connected I then went into Alpha, a state of mind which is used in Mental Training, and there met with little Axel again, we spent a lot of time together, I felt his need for love and nurturing, and all fell into place. It was so nice to see I should observe my own needs despite what was happening.

I could not ignore it anymore. And I realized meeting my own inner child was to meet my true master.

The next time I did mental training I met little Axel again. I was in the middle of magic island. We were sitting cross-legged on top of a pillar-like stone, looking at each other. As if in a ritual little Axel leaned forward, and with his right index finger he touched my third eye. It felt soft, calm, fresh and liberating. For a moment I thought I should do the same from my adult point of view, but I immediately discarded this idea as completely out of place. We both smiled at each other. Then suddenly he stood up and ran ... into me! It felt great. But then I realized - he would not come out anymore, and I was shocked.

Then I understood. I had to take responsibility. I admired the confidence and the courage of my inner child. I felt ONE. The fear disappeared. Little Axel was inside me!

Axel Ebert

There is a fine line between coincidence and destiny. That's the whole freedom I have.

I believe that this picture describes the essential meaning of my life. Who am I? Why am I here? How free am I? What is freedom? Does everything have a meaning? Am I dependent on causes? Can I determine my own future? Are there any causes at all? Do things happen by chance?

Mae-Wan Ho wrote in The Biology of Free Will, there must be the law of cause and effect, an acausal world would be one where it is impossible to be free, as nothing would be intelligible. What kind of freedom would it be, if anything would simply and somehow happen? In such a world I could not at be free at all.

In causes - be they known or unknown - I can find an explanation for why I'm feeling the way I feel. Some belief systems go even further, suggesting in my (current) life I would have to carry the can for what others and I have done once. The numbers in my birth date, the position of the planets, are these causes I have to live up now? And if a cause produces a certain effect - how free could I be in this case, if I have to take the rap for my past actions and the actions executed by others? It is on the edge to karma or guilt that the meaninglessness of my life comes to an end.

It seems that neither in destiny nor in coincidence freedom can be found. Does freedom exist at all? How would it manifest? Is freedom important? Am I not a part of the whole? Could I allow myself in my relation to the whole to be free? How important is my part in the integral whole? How important am I?

Sometimes I observe persons who seem to have everything under control. They appear to have control. They seem to be free, because their will happens. They need a lot of energy. They manipulate. They are addicted to the confirmation to be important, and to be free. They depend on it. Then someone or something unexpected happens and suddenly those persons will does NOT happen. Therefore persons trying to control cannot be free either.

Do you recall the quotation from the Bible »Thy will be done«? Would this be a sign of freedom? Is freedom maybe just peace?

Am I free when I am born? Am I free, when I die? Freedom is the culmination of 4 big consciousness related subjects that describe the whole sensuality, joy and tragedy in life: separation, time, guilt and individuation, which is the final perception and synthesis of self.

Separation

I have sensed separateness in my deepest grief. This occurred during a Reiki treatment at the holy Kailash mountain in Tibet, when due to high altitude I was lacking air. It was a surprisingly powerful experience. Thank God I had Reiki to carry me through.

Separation is evident in persons who like the idea of control and being important. Quite often they do not even realize how superimposing on others becomes a superimposition onto their own self's. Separation and guilt may lead to brutal behavior towards others, towards self, towards the whole planet.

»Après nous le déluge«, or the flood may come after me says a lot about the consciousness of separate people. I like the idea weighting the meaning of life in terms of how much service was given the community.

Helmut Schmidt, former German chancellor, was asked in an interview once, how it has felt during World War II to shoot people. He replied that it was in no way different to the feeling of being shot. The wisdom of this so factual man, his rooted spirituality, has deeply touched me.

Guilt

There is also a fine line between forgiveness and guilt. Regarding »guilt« the concept of things just happening beside me has given me peace, showing a way out. With Reiki I realized very quickly that it is not another persons fault of how I am. This was logical, because I started to take responsibility for my life. But thereafter as deep as I took up the concept of separation above, the concept of guilt overcame me, for someone must be blamed for how I am today. Guilt and condemnation towards myself was the consequence. Being guilty in sin is unfortunately a fundamental part of my culture and education! This is paralyzing! It is so easy to find confirmation for my own guilt and to keep this concept in permanent fear. Because letting it go means letting go a major part of my identity - and who am I without this identity?

Individuation

Answers (and courage) around those concepts point to individuation. If I free myself from my prejudices and I can perceive myself in a healthier way. And this is why I find coincidence so sympathetic and helpful. When I say that some things in my life just "happened beside me" I'll remove the emotional charge from my blame, I even negate guilt. The idea is that I'm just present somewhere, let's say by coincidence, and what happens just happens anyway, and not because of me. I just happen to be there and I feel and experience what is happening. It has nothing to do with me. It is a drama, which had taken place with or without me. I believe this is the only view in which I can neutralize the importance of my own ego. I dissolve guilt in my own unimportance. I shake off the whole ballast of this concept. There is a lot of talk about forgiveness these days. But how could it work? Would this question not be similar to the Helmut Schmidt case above? How could there even be forgiveness if there would not be the recognition of guilt in the first place? Forgiveness and guilt are synonymous. And it is on the edge to coincidence that the blame and guilt stop.

Time

Time is closely associated with mortality, and this again with separation. Living with the past fixed and the future unknown makes us feel secure in time, says Michio Kaku. But what is time? Time consists of time past, time present and time future. But the future does not yet exist. The past no longer exists. And the present takes up no time at all. So how then can time exist - already asked Dr. S. Augustine in his confessions in the 4th Century? There is even a fine line between past and future, and perhaps this is just another term for the fine line between coincidence and destiny.

Throughout life, I am walking this fine line, this narrow ridge, which describes the whole meaning of life, the little significance to the abyss of meaninglessness, the little freedom to the limits of responsibility, the small fortune to experience life on edge of inexperience, the little local autonomy, which sets in when my participation in the universe, my obedience to the pulsating unity in synchronicity, in senses and responses makes me act like a wave in the ocean, fully integrated, as Jung once described it, when every cell in the body, every thought in the mind, inside and out, is completely reconciled with all of nature.