Meeting my inner child
In March 2009 I participated in a special seminar. It's called BreakThrough and was developed by Esther Veltheim, co-founder of the Reiki Network. BreakThrough is an inside job that is, learning to understand the nature of our defenses and the control they have over lives. BreakThrough »breaks through« the defensive, unconscious and over-reactive patterns, the masks and sabotage programs the participant is willing (has the courage) to penetrate, to live a freer life, more authentic, with less conditioning, with more attention to his own personal needs, with fewer over-reactions. Unconsciously we are already doing it, when we practice Reiki Self Treatments, but such a step-by-step process that reveals the nature of our conflict in a conscious way, can be helpful.
In 7 steps (or 7 questions) the participants is guided through a situation, in which he experienced an over-reaction. Ultimately this process was very liberating experience for me, which gave deep insights into repressed emotions and a poor self-image.
Much empathy is required from the tutor to be able to listen to the answers to the 7 questions from inside, raise doubts in case, then being full of compassion he can really make the participant to remove his own mask, to uncover what is underneath. Such guide is like a true friend, someone who would also give a contra, instead of always reconfirming a reactive and destructive image, the typical behavior of false friends. Finally this inner journey is toward reclaiming what is most natural to each and every one of us - the experience of wholeness. Consciously, we begin to integrate a more holistic view of self-awareness and begin to perceive and experience life differently.
Linda's compassion and also seeing her tears running down when working me through my 7 steps was very touching. I sat in front of 40 other participants, and I went through a lot of defense mechanisms, until I finally had this big »A-Ha«
My story was that of a perceived betrayal or abuse by a person I had admired, but as so often the outside experience reflects what is going on inside. Only I had covered it up so brilliantly in all of my life that I would have never seen it, despite all knowledge of theory.
It felt hard to question what I was thinking of myself deep inside. Until suddenly I could discover rage at myself. I realized that I saw myself as a wild and dangerous person, consequently I only deserved to be cheated or betrayed.
There was a moment in those steps when I imagined meeting little Axel, the 4 year old boy, so sweet, open, forgiving - and overwhelming to see how despite all this suffering he stretches his little hand towards the elder Axel, as if no hurting from all this inner belief systems would have ever happened. With such a smile just to say »Welcome back«, I have been waiting for you. This little Axel is so pure, just admirable and overwhelming. With thankfulness, pride and joy I grab his little hand and then we both walk together a road he is choosing. Little Axel seems so much faster being able to forgive, and this is without any condition, it is so touching to see! How much could I have lost contact with my true self?
I felt peace.
Of course in my head I know there cannot be any forgiveness because there is no one to blame, not even myself, but from observing this gesture of forgiveness I now realize this is also true for my inner self.
Over many years I took gods as example of how I wanted to be. And it seems I wanted to be as far as possible from my human nature. Since Reiki 2 and Mental Training I took journeys to »My true master«, which means connecting with the essence of first Medicine Buddha and later Jesus. Interestingly I never wanted to write a specific name on this label describing that essence; I intuited it could be wrong.
The evening after this experience, just after coming from the session I sat down and I realized I wanted to connect with my inner child instead, and so I did. I took the bunch of papers - the protocol from my 7 steps and my nameplate - and I did the Reiki 2 technique. Being connected I then went into Alpha, a state of mind which is used in Mental Training, and there met with little Axel again, we spent a lot of time together, I felt his need for love and nurturing, and all fell into place. It was so nice to see I should observe my own needs despite what was happening.
I could not ignore it anymore. And I realized meeting my own inner child was to meet my true master.
The next time I did mental training I met little Axel again. I was in the middle of magic island. We were sitting cross-legged on top of a pillar-like stone, looking at each other. As if in a ritual little Axel leaned forward, and with his right index finger he touched my third eye. It felt soft, calm, fresh and liberating. For a moment I thought I should do the same from my adult point of view, but I immediately discarded this idea as completely out of place. We both smiled at each other. Then suddenly he stood up and ran ... into me! It felt great. But then I realized - he would not come out anymore, and I was shocked.
Then I understood. I had to take responsibility. I admired the confidence and the courage of my inner child. I felt ONE. The fear disappeared. Little Axel was inside me!